So to the asshole driving 40 mph down my street in the black escalade that hit my dog and didn’t stop. I hope you get ass raped by Satan.
So should I talk about when I fell face first in front of the whole party last night? and I just laid there for like 30 seconds because I was too embarrassed to get back up. When I looked up I was blinded by a light, but then a hand came into view and I grabbed it and it pulled me up and that hand was attached to my best friend. Then she cleaned all of my cuts out. Fucking love my best friend.
My true colors. Not photoshoping out my tattoos anymore. This is the truest me.
OMG I haven’t fed my Nano Pet in like 9 years.
When all girls on my FB start posting “I’m not like other girls” do they realize they are all being alike by stating they’re not alike? Call it Ironybook.
I know. I know. It’s sad.
But I nailed the sad.
Zach Stone
My cousin got in a car accident last month because he was really drunk and blind.
Thanks! You’re an apple pie.
Can I use your life alert because I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up.
Pick up line I use in nursing homes.
Last weekend my friend and I were walking downtown and I asked him “Do you think it would be ok if I married a chick-fil-A chicken sandwich?” and before he could answer a homeless person chimed in and said “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Poultry!” and I gave him 10 dollars. Well played sir. Well played.
Kids hate to wake up, old people feel lucky to wake up.
“You changed man.” I say to my grandfather.
If there were 99 bottles of beer on the wall would a bitch be one?
