My name is Tyler and I'm a comedian or whatever.
So to the asshole driving 40 mph down my street in the black escalade that hit my dog and didn’t stop. I hope you get ass raped by Satan.
OMG I haven’t fed my Nano Pet in like 9 years.
When all girls on my FB start posting “I’m not like other girls” do they realize they are all being alike by stating they’re not alike? Call it Ironybook.
I know. I know. It’s sad.
But I nailed the sad.
My cousin got in a car accident last month because he was really drunk and blind.
Thanks! You’re an apple pie.
Pick up line I use in nursing homes.
Last weekend my friend and I were walking downtown and I asked him “Do you think it would be ok if I married a chick-fil-A chicken sandwich?” and before he could answer a homeless person chimed in and said “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Poultry!” and I gave him 10 dollars. Well played sir. Well played.
Kids hate to wake up, old people feel lucky to wake up.
“You changed man.” I say to my grandfather.
If there were 99 bottles of beer on the wall would a bitch be one?